please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
