Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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