i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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