im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
