Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
