when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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