I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
