He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
