I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And then he peed in my hair
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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