I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
