Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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