My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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