Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize