he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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