Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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