____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is it because I queefed?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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