He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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