you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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