I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
