To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
