Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
