Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wear drunk well.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
