i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
