our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
