im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
