we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize