you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize