I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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