sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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