i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
