this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
