Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
