Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
