I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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