I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
