WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
