my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
