Betty ford says i'm here all night
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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