So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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