My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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