I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
