i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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