So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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