Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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