I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Found the puke drawer
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
