Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
