She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
