I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
