Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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