I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
