He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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