Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
