So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
