So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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