and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
