Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
