cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
