She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
