dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
