her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
