Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
