Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
