I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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