I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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