You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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