As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
